Once entering victim mode, one will sink deeper and deeper into emotions: “I am so pitiful” (entering the mode) — “I am in so much pain” (reinforcing the role) — “I am so pitiful” (infinite loop).
To avoid being disturbed by emotions, we need to avoid discussing right or wrong, victimhood, or morality in emotions, and be able to see things from the other person’s perspective.
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So, when we’re in a victim emotional state, we enter into a hypothetical situation. And when we start discussing right or wrong and morality within emotions, we enter into a state of weakness and victimhood.
In the victim mode, our logical thinking is like this: the more we think about it, the more we feel wronged. We feel like we’ve been wronged and it’s difficult to get over it.
Then we enter into the emotional discussion of right or wrong within the original family once again. In the victim emotional state, we enter into a hypothetical state. 70% is factual, but the remaining 30% is our emotional hypothesis. We add 30% of the victim tendency, feeling more wronged and convinced of our righteousness.
Because we’ve added our victim emotional tendency, we find that once we add fuel to the fire, our inner emotions will be re-ignited and escalate again.
When the emotions escalate again, we will look for someone to vent our grievances to, because of our strong desire to do so. We will continuously talk about the other person’s faults and our grievances. Then we will once again role-play, continuously entering into the role of the weak and victimized, feeling how pitiful, sad and grieving we are, etc. In this role-playing, we will find that unlucky things begin to happen one after another! Why is that?
Firstly, in the emotional state, it’s like pulling back a curtain, a stage drama begins, with the theme being victimization. So you will find that if you enter into a debt mode when in debt, the more you owe, the more you feel you owe.
For example, one of my student owes 1 million yuan. Did she owe 1 million all at once? No, she owes it bit by bit. All debts follow a pattern, from tens of thousands, to hundreds of thousands, and then to millions until one can’t borrow anymore. Here we say that a curtain has been pulled back, and now I am acting out this pattern.
So in emotions, I am going to play out the victim mode. The more you feel wronged, just like when in debt, the more you feel afraid, the more you will repeat it again and again. You say: “No, I don’t want to be in debt mode, nor do I want to be in victim mode. I’ve had enough.”
But the victim mode continues to play over and over in your mind, repeatedly revisiting it, and constantly covering up your emotions. How sad I am, how grieving I am, how painful I am, how pitiful I am, etc. Many people in the victim mode, in the feeling of how pitiful they are, will feel increasingly wronged as they think about it.
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We need to break free from the victim mode and stop playing this role. Like we said about the stage drama, as the drama becomes more and more grand, more and more supporting roles will start to support you, cooperate with you, and help you perform this play better and better.
Like the wealth case I did this noon, that girl was really beautiful. My assistant said she had never seen such a beautiful girl before, and even touched her face. Although we’re both girls, I was still attracted by her appearance.
When I gave her a wealth case, I saw that she had a deep sense of inferiority, self-deprecation, and felt that she wasn’t good enough inside. So I said: “It’s really strange. Despite your beauty and attractiveness, you have a lot of self-doubt and even feel that you should self-harm because you feel unworthy.”
After such emotions arise, your emotions, your wealth, your body will always fluctuate like this, and you will encounter similar things. For example, if someone cheated you out of money once, it will happen again and again, and emotional trauma will be repeatedly inflicted, and the situation will generally be the same. That is to say, you are in victim mode.
She widened her eyes and said: “Teacher, I don’t want to play this!”
I said: “This victim mode comes from not breaking free from your first experience as a victim. You’ve always felt sad and grieving, so you’ve always wanted to heal. But you always remember the original scar, so in times of emergency, just like the law of attraction says, it will start to focus directly.”
Let’s delve deeper into this point, which means that in the subconscious, we should not constantly remember this scar or bad emotion, but rather break free from the entire victim mode. Don’t feel pitiful or unlucky, I just think it’s an experience in my soul, this sentence is really important! Say it again!
When you can slowly dilute all the self-pity and victim emotions, you will think that it’s just an experience in the entire script of my soul.
When we forgive others, it’s not about being magnanimous or broad-minded, it’s about what? It’s me deciding to let myself go.
How can you easily forgive yourself?
I often say that when we forgive others, it’s not about being generous or broad-minded. It’s about deciding to let ourselves go.
In our consciousness, we decide not to repeat over and over again, “I am a victim, I have been treated unfairly.” For example, with my mother, if I were in victim mode, how would I think? I spent so much effort leaving my students, husband and son behind to spend 12 days with my mother, just for fun. But because of a photo, my mother slapped me in the face and criticized me all day long, every day. I knew it was wrong, so why did she hurt me like that?
I used to have many thoughts like this. Would I fall into emotions? Once we fall into emotions, we enter into the right or wrong, and then into the mode of a complaining woman. In this mode, there is another mode – the victim mode. I feel like I’m the victim. I put in so much effort and treated you so well. I want a corresponding return. I’ve been harmed, right?
All our emotional modes have a logical pattern. When our emotions come out, they flow like a river. When we understand all the directions of the river, we will know that we will not be dragged by emotions like a mad dog. We will have a deep awareness of how they will play out.
An Example
I remember when I brought my mom back to Shenzhen and we stayed for a night at the Grand Hyatt Hotel, located on the top floor of the MixC shopping mall in Shenzhen.
When I took my mom to explore the shopping mall, we found many shops selling clothes, but most of them were not suitable for middle-aged and elderly women. So, I usually chose clothes that were more suitable for professional women for my mom to try on.
However, my mom openly criticized me in front of the other salespeople, saying, “What kind of taste do you have? These clothes are so colorful, and they make me look like a colorful hen. How can you let me try them on?”. The salesperson was a bit embarrassed because of my mom’s sharp tongue, so I apologized to them.
After trying on a few more items with the same result, I realized that our tastes were different. I said to my mom, “Mom, you choose, and I’ll pay for it.” I took out my phone and checked WeChat for a while, because the clothes I picked didn’t work out. I followed her from behind.
When my mom turned around and saw me playing with my phone, she got angry and said, “Didn’t you say you would accompany me shopping? You’re just playing with your phone behind me. Is this what you call accompanying me? I’m not shopping anymore!” She walked away.
I ran after her and said, “Don’t be angry, please!” She replied, “Why shouldn’t I be angry? The clothes you picked don’t have good taste, and you didn’t even help me choose. You were playing with your phone beside me! You said you would accompany me shopping, is this what you call accompanying me? It’s just following me from behind!” I quickly said, “Okay, okay, I won’t play anymore. Is that okay with you?” But she was still angry and said, “I’m not shopping with you today, whether you play or not!”
At that moment, I felt that my mom was like a child who needed 100% attention: “Do you love me or not? I need 100% attention.” I could completely understand my mom’s feelings, so I said, “Okay, okay, you decide what to do. If you don’t want to shop, then we won’t shop. If you don’t want me to play with my phone, then I won’t. Is that okay with you?”
In summary: my mom’s anger came from her feeling like a victim. She felt that I promised to accompany her, but I didn’t. If I was emotional, I might think, “Which young person doesn’t play with their phone? Playing with a phone is just because of boredom. If you need me, I’ll come immediately.” This would lead to another victim mentality.
To avoid being disturbed by emotions, we should avoid discussing right or wrong, victimization, or morality within our emotions, and try to see things from the other person’s perspective.
